Archive for the ‘giving’ Category

This year I have had the opportunity to identify some people who were the perfect embodiment of the pattern of an emotional predator. In spite of their different ages and the fact that they belonged to different generations, their speech, their attitude, their modus operandi, were so similar that they were the perfect example of a very common behaviour in our time: that of the emotional predator.  I must say it is more frequent among men than among women.

A pattern is a system of ideas, emotions, attitudes and behaviours that  governs human beings and organizes them according to predictable, identifiable behavioural patterns.  People who think alike usually feel the same and have similar attitudes and actions.

Archetypes would be the source of these patterns, the original ones, according to Plato the perfect moulds, ideals deriving from the mind of God, ideals that influence us from the collective unconscious. Patterns are human derivations that are far less than perfect, resulting from change, from the world, from life, from circumstances, etc. … The world changes and by extension so do the collective patterns that rule us.

Although many people compare them, emotional predators are different from emotional vampires. Emotional predators are only after their own emotional advantage –generally involving sexual advantage-  regardless of any collateral damage they might cause. They are hedonistic, they are apparently happy, they are manipulators and they know well  other people’s weaknesses which they use to their own advantage. They usually have good social skills, are sexually attractive and have brilliant personalities in some aspects, although they also lack empathy and  don’t understand or notice the damage they cause in others.

How do we spot them? I’ll use as examples two cases, a man and a woman whom I have come across recently. Both are apparently charming and attractive, but they have  different motivations. He is the typical predator,  only prompted by the sheer pleasure of the conquest and oblivious of  the pain he may cause to his prey.  She is not so typical, she is moved by the pleasure of feeling loved and valued, but she is equally remorseless when she misuses her charm with others. None of the two wish to change, they show an apparent but ultimately false self-confidence and during the “hunt”  they both forget the main law that rules this Universe, that of CAUSE and EFFECT, which will  make them in turn the victims of other predators equally heedless of their suffering. Unfortunately, those who answer to this pattern, due to their lack of empathy, only learn by experiencing a taste of their own medicine.

They justify their attitude by saying that they warn others in advance of their intentions; they speak openly of their sexuality showing off in this aspect and  some of them even scorn the good use of relationships and sex, using others with complete disregard for their wellbeing.

The pattern of the good lover would be to use –not abuse-  the other, caring for and trying to benefit him or her .

In their eagerness to justify their own conduct, no matter how unacceptable, they  argue  that they respect any sexual attitude, ultimately trying to make others accept their conducts so as to ensure their power and their territory.

But they are also victims of themselves, even if they appear happy and cool; they dread serious relationships and always move in shallow waters.  As soon as anybody comes too near they scare away in their weakness,  end up eaten up by solitude, falling back into the vicious circle of the compulsive hunter, hoping to fill the void of a life without true love, full of emotional to’s and fro’s which they take for passion. Many of them in their childhood or as teenagers were victims of other predators and have eventually become one of them.  But that does not relieve them from responsibility, more importantly it should be treated as a challenge to end  the victim-aggressor circle.

The problem lies in the possible unsuspecting victims that cannot identify the emotional danger, no matter how obvious it appears. The lack of self-esteem prevents them from rejecting a charming person who approaches them showing interest and affection, even if false, self-interested or momentaneous; men or women with a feeling of emptiness, or who have gone through difficult circumstances in their lives, or have grown up without a family or essential values will always make an easy prey. If they fall into a predator’s clutches they may think it is an acceptable attitude and become one of them, there is a part of society that encourages and even values such behaviours.

If you come across an emotional predator and he or she is looking at you as their possible target, just wait, it won’t take long before they show their true colours. It is not a good idea to think one can  save them, a mistake  many naïve souls make in their eagerness to help and which they usually pay dearly for.  Always remember that  “two can’t play if one doesn’t want to”.

And if you acknowledge yourself as one of them, remember the film “Fatal Attraction” (Glenn Close and Michael Douglas), or even the popular sayings that a wise friend of mine reminded me of the other day and which I completely agree with: “what goes around comes around” or “you pick what you sow”.

The misuse of something or somebody by using them to one’s own advantage and to another’s disadvantage always has the consequences it deserves. Fortunately, anything that is not done in mutual benefit will generate the Law of Cause-Effect. And don’t get over-confident if it has worked for you so far, apparently without negative consequences, the Universe ALWAYS returns what you give, whether it is good or bad … at least that never fails.  Take care how you treat others, some day you’ll be treated the same way.

Beatriz Fernández del Castillo



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This week-end a much appreciated doggy friend (her dog and mine hang out in the same circles) and I were discussing the meaning of HELP. We were talking about energetic “vampirism”, the person who asks for help, who receives it, who enjoys getting it, but can’t or won’t to reciprocate,   keeps asking for  more without contributing,  like a bottomless pit.

I was saying how important it is to know how to give help those who make good use of it, who put it in practice, who are grateful for it, in short, who deserve it. My friend’s question was then, “What about altruism?”… and her question sparked off this blog entry. Every moment is an opportunity to improve our thinking…

Understanding altruism:

Case 1: THE HELPER helps the HELPED. This person, in turn, full of gratitude and appreciation, will learn to help himself and becomes the helper of the next person to receive help.

The help of the first helper will reach thousands, appreciation will  encourage him to continue helping, those who have been helped will help in turn, energy flows.  In this case the HELPER is aware that it is oneself that one should help in the first place, keep well in order  to help others. And the person who has been helped experiences the joy of giving and returning.

Result  = ABUNDANCE, everybody wins.

Altruism misunderstood:

Case 2: The HELPER helps the HELPED. This person  takes advantage of the help he receives but doesn’t learn  to help others or help himself, he doesn’t put this help into practice, he doesn’t help himself or the next person who needs help, and yet he keeps asking for help until he leaves the helper drained and exhausted (which is often the case with kind-hearted souls)

Help is wasted on  souls who are not aware that we are here to make energy flow,  not to waste it. The helped person in this case normally does not  acknowledge the effort of the  helper who,  in turn, does not feel encouraged to help any further (some helpers, thank God, no longer need this recognition, but they do deserve it). Such “bottomless pits” block the source of help by drying it up and leaving it incapable of helping others, and if on top of this they don’t use adequately the help they have received, the energy stops flowing  and is blocked.

Result = SHORTAGE.  Only a few people win, and because they don’t know how to keep what has been won, in the end it is lost… and we wonder why the world is the way it is. The person who receives should give back what he can, because even those who are most in need always have  something to give back (work, attention, company, recognition) , and those who have more  can lack in something. The person that doesn’t give doesn’t do so because he doesn’t want to, with few exceptions.  True altruism is knowing how to keep the balance, otherwise it is energetic “vampirism”, misuse of energy, the typical cheeky opportunist or, as my mother used to say, a bloodsucker.

Responsible parents know that, before adolescence, much before I would say, kids should assume their duty to give back to  society part of what they have received, and those who don’t know that is because their parents haven’t taught them to do so. The same applies to the helper who is exhausted  and “vampirized”: he must learn to take better care of his energy, of his own source, and  not give away what he doesn’t have.

You may ask, for example, what about the elderly  who can no longer give? This statement is untrue. The elderly can give gratitude, wisdom, experience. They have spent their lives helping the generations behind them, those same generations who should know how to thank them and reciprocate with the same care.

What about the people in Africa? Anyone who has ever been to Africa will tell you that they have come back with far more than they went; new spiritual gifts in exchange for material ones….

One’s personal energy should be taken care of, should be balanced out continuously. Mother nature gives us a true example of giving and receiving. Unconditional love exists in reference to maternity at a very young age, but when the receiver starts to become aware, automatically the receptor must become a giver to balance out their “energy bill”.

When I watch Supernanny, TV’s wise fixing-mediator, doing  magic with the almost single formula of establishing reasonable rules, giving tasks and responsibilities, I feel she deserves the best. That really is what setting an example is all about… and everything else is just half measures.

Except in extreme cases, such as disability, handicap or illness, people who don’t  contribute to the community with their gifts, who  burden others with responsibilities that don’t concern them, …  do they really deserve to be helped or supported? Everyone has something to contribute.

GOOD HELP SHOULD BE MUTUAL, the other type of help, the one that does not reciprocate, in the long run is a source of disagreements, frustrations, reproaches and negative energy. The recognition of the source of help and the contribution of ones gifts to those who need them, who value them and make a good responsible use of them, will transform  and improve us  until we become the channel of a never ending stream of energy-in-action. That is true abundance and the true understanding of altruism, and not the other stuff.


Beatriz Fernández del Castillo


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